A Different Question

Tuesday of this week saw me sitting by my bed in Ward 11. Results from the various tests had been scarce. My consultant who had been on holiday was due to see me at some point. A series of questions filled my head. Was this chest infection a serious complication? Would there need to be more tests and further delay? Would I get to go home? But there was another question that forced its way into my thoughts. That morning I had read Psalm 131. Here was someone who knew how to calm and quieten himself. Did I?

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

1 My heart is not proud, Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have calmed and quieted myself,

I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content.

3 Israel, put your hope in the Lord

both now and forevermore.

IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.

The psalm gave me a clue where to start. The first verse informs me that pride is the enemy of contentment. The scriptures bring a life-giving perspective to our lives. In a culture sold on self-fulfilment and self-promotion the Bible is clear: Its not about me but the glory of God. There is no shortage of therapeutic preaching that says effectively ‘God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy’. God is reduced to the level of personal assistant who exists to meet my needs. This is a far cry from the holy, majestic, terrifying, mysterious God of the Bible. This is the God who confronts the arch sufferer Job not with his sympathy but with his power and wisdom. The point of the exercise is not to humiliate this desperate man but to show him he needs a mighty God to deal with his invisible enemy. Satan may be a shadowy figure throughout the book but in chapter 41 God reveals his power and ruthlessness under the description of Leviathan.

When I try to make everything about me I’m left anxious and uncertain over how things are going to work out. The Bible is not encouraging me to write my own story but to find my place in Gods story, the story of a mighty Saviour and a great salvation, the only story that is going to have a happy ending.

A PARENTS CARE

On Tuesday morning I was still left wondering where the reassurance was to be found that would calm and quieten my fears. We are tempted to look to our circumstances to work out how God feels about us. The psalm pointed me in a different direction. David describes his contentment being that of a small child in the care of its mother. The gospel does not rescue me and then leave me high and dry. It brings about my adoption into the family of a loving Heavenly Father. On Tuesday morning I simply reminded myself of the benefits of belonging to such a Father. His discipline, all the tough stuff that attaches itself to our lives, is a sure sign we really are part of his much loved family. Jesus reveals his Father as one who knows what we need before we ask. Although my sin breeds a deep suspicion of God and his will, Jesus points to the behaviour of imperfect fathers. They will not give their children something dangerous when they ask for what they need. He adds “How much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him.”

LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR.

The psalm ends not with a relieved prayer of thanksgiving but an appeal to the nation to put their hope in the Lord. My attention is being directed away from myself to others round about. We live under God’s providence which is shorthand for the way he governs and orders our world. The Bible warns us that these things are unfathomable. (Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments and his paths beyond tracing out. Rom11:33) This hasn’t stopped people trying. Job’s ‘friends’ attribute invented sins to him to explain his plight. Jesus disciples asked ‘who sinned this man or his parents that he was born blind?’ Luke tells us that people inform Jesus of some Galileans slaughtered by Pilate. They expect him to explain these events by reference to their guilt. “Do you think these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered in this way. I tell you no.”

Jesus didn’t come to condemn the world but to save it and we are called to share in this rescue ministry. The mandate we have been given is not to explain the significance of the politics or the pandemic but to love our neighbour. In a small ward of sick people there is no shortage of opportunity to do that. As I turn away from myself to the needs of others I can rest in the care of a Heavenly Father who has promised to take responsibility for all his children.

In Patients versus Out Patient

This past week has seen me return to the world of the ‘in-patient’. A symptomless chest infection showed up on the scan and led to me being admitted the following day with the ominous warning it would not be for 48 hours. Most of my treatment has been as an out-patient. There is though, a striking difference between those who briefly visit hospital for some treatment and those who know they are not going home any time soon. The outpatient wards that I have spent time in have little sense of people as fellow sufferers. Communication is muted. The goal is to get your treatment and return to your familiar world. Life has a different feel when your support network is stripped away and you find yourself having to make a temporary home with a few other strangers. There is a greater readiness to engage and even a willingness to risk disclosing a little of ourselves. People do things for one another and conversation often goes beyond the trivial.

OUR IDENTITY

Our struggle with being left to ourselves and our fear of being lonely and isolated is telling us something about who we are. Relationship is central to who we are because we have been created by a relational God. The Bible makes the statement, ‘God is love’ and by so doing forbids us from thinking of him as a remote, self-contained ruler. From all eternity God is a loving union of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And this life of love is out going, other centred and self giving.

These things have implications for our lives. Relationships are not optional, secondary to more practical matters like where we live and what we do. My spell in hospital with its inevitable feelings of vulnerability has shown me how real my need is of the practical care and support of others. But it goes beyond visitors and human kindness. Life has the ability to take us to places where no amount of sympathetic faces or kind words can still the trembling in our souls.

FIRST BASE

God’s answer to our fears is first and foremost himself. The Songs of Ascent are the psalms (120-134) sung by pilgrims making their way to Jerusalem for the great festivals. From a New Testament perspective they describe the believers journey from this world to the heavenly Jerusalem. John Newton reminds us that this is a venture involving many ‘dangers, toils and snares’. As I have navigated this last week these psalms have been my companions and I have found them to be full of encouragement for this struggling traveller. “My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth…..The Lord watches over you… The Lord will keep you from all harm.” (Psalm 121) “Our help is in the name of the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 124) “Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion which cannot be shaken but endures forever.” (Psalm 124). These songs have been God’s provision for me. They communicate to my fragile spirit what the living God promises to be to his needy people.

CONFUSION

Relationship goes beyond the vertical. Love has become the central issue of 21st century. It is bound up with issues like identity and authenticity. There is a preoccupation with discovering who we are and being true to ourselves. But what if we are looking in the wrong place for answers. Love in Gods vocabulary is self-giving and is expressed supremely in the gift of his Son. Nick Tucker (12 things God Can’t Do) asks: ‘What if authentic humanity lies not so much in self actualisation as it does in a commitment to other-person-centred, self-giving love.

A BETTER WAY

It's an obvious thing to say but the church family is to model these kinds of relationships. I am firmly committed to praying for my brothers and sisters but the New Testament won’t allow me to stop there. Paul was a prodigious letter writer but his passion to see and spend time with people far outweighed that. I am challenged to acknowledge that there is something about physical presence, seeing someone face, spending time together that beats texting or social media. These things may introduce inconvenience and perhaps awkwardness into our lives; how will it be appreciated, what will I say? But is that not of the nature of true love.

The Unseen Side

On Monday of this week, I had my first visit to the consultant since my treatment. After a few questions about how I was feeling most of the time was taken up with a progress report on my condition and outlining potential complications. Lymphoma is a blood cancer and for the best part of my life I have given little thought to this red liquid that travels around my body. Like many who face serious illness I have been reminded that it is the unseen side of my life that really counts. My energy levels fluctuate according to the value of my haemoglobin. My ability to withstand infection is closely linked to the condition of my blood supply. My blood’s ability to clot relies on sufficient platelets being present.

SPIRITUAL AS WELL AS PHYSICAL

What is true physically becomes even more crucial in our spiritual lives. I’ve been reading Psalm 119 with the help of Christopher Ash’s Bible Delight. The back cover of the book comes with the usual commendations from prominent Christian leaders. The first of these includes the words, “The way we are to delight in the Lord and feed on him is to delight in and feed on his word. The heart beat of spiritual contentment is to cry with the Psalmist, ‘Oh, how I love your law.’” Good words and no more than you would expect from a Christian leader. Subsequent events have shown this individual to have indulged in extremely ungodly behaviour and left a trail of wounded and damaged men. It’s the unseen side of our lives that really counts.

DISTURBING QUESTIONS

The entrance of sin into the world led Adam to attempt to hide from God and to cover up before Eve. I am well aware of this tendency in my own life. It raises the question of motivation. What is driving my service for God? Duty, my love of people’s approval, a quest for a sense of well-being coming from feeling useful?

Dane Ortlund has written a book entitled ‘Deeper’ dealing with spiritual growth and progress. He writes: “It is not only our immorality that reflects the evil within. Even our morality is shot through with evil…. Consider your own life. That act of service yesterday – was it in fact, at root, a matter of creating a perception of you and your virtue? …. The way you cheerfully greet those around you today – is it upon further reflection, mainly fuelled by what you want others to think of you.” At bottom the question is a simple one: Do I serve God because I love God?

HEALTHY SCRUTINY

It may be a simple question but the answer is not so straightforward. I have got as much chance of changing my heart and its motivation as I have of curing my lymphoma. Heart work is God’s work but it calls for my co-operation. To those of us who fear exposure and are careful to keep up appearances the Bible challenges us to open up to God’s scrutiny. Psalm 139 ends with the familiar words: “Search me, God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23,24) Note the disconnect. The psalmist holds himself open to God finding ‘offensive material’ in his life and yet confidently asks him to lead him to enduring life. It’s not what you’d expect. Yet when God puts his finger on my sin it is not to shame or belittle me but to strengthen my resolve to live honestly before him.

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE ‘REAR VIEW’

We serve a God of steadfast love and great faithfulness. Its that awareness that needs to control my heart. I am tempted to become preoccupied with how I am feeling today and how long I have to go to full recovery. It is though only through looking back that I am reminded of God’s kindness and mercy. Hospital was always a place I was glad to visit but relieved not to be staying. In short, the activity of modern hospitals scared me. And yet as I look back over the last six months of treatment, small ops and various procedures my awareness is of God having taken me through the entire journey with much kindness and daily grace. These are the micro deliverances he mercifully provides for his people. They point us to that much greater rescue planned from all eternity by the Father for rebellious people, accomplished by the voluntary sacrifice of the Son and completed by the illuminating work of the Spirit. Reflecting on these things works reality into our internal world.

You Ought to be Ashamed of Yourself

We have lived through the days of the New Atheists belittling Christianity as a mixture of myth and make believe, something science has shown to be clearly untrue. Now the point of attack has shifted. The opposition’s argument alleges the problem isn’t truth but goodness. Powerful forces are establishing a new sexual order. To stand by the Bible’s line on the place of sex is to be accused of bigotry and prejudice. To hold to orthodox Christian teaching is something to be ashamed of in the current climate. The secular agenda seems powerful and threatening. It’s promoted by big business and people in positions of power. Historic Christian denominations have found these arguments compelling. Why would anyone continue to cling to a system that brings shame and contempt?

A MOVING ACCOUNT.

Last Saturday, one of the weekend supplements ran an article written by a man describing life with ‘a broken brain’. Ian listed the growing list of symptoms: difficulty speaking, falling and not being able to break his fall, a growing weakness on the right side of his body. The condition is degenerative and there is no cure. It was a very moving piece and there was much to admire in the way he confronted his dreadful predicament. His courage was evident. He spoke appreciatively of the support of friends and family. Rather that wallow in self pity he was determine to be of some use even if only to load and unload the dishwasher. It was a sad article to read but the saddest part was not the disease but the despair. It ended with the sentence, “Helen and I have adopted the principle of enjoying life while we still can.” Here is the terminus of the secular agenda. Life in this world is all that there is; too bad if you are unlucky and struck down with some serious illness.

THE PROMISE OF HOPE.

Into a world that has the capacity to crush our dreams the Bible speaks a word of hope. This hope is located in the promises of God. That may leave us unimpressed because we’ve been on the receiving end of too many broken promises but consider this.

Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us maybe greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:17-19)

To be a Christian is to be tethered to this future that God has promised his people in his word. Nick Tucker in his book ’12 things God can’t do’ writes “even if every other certainty in your life collapses you have this connection to safety – the anchor that keeps you connected to Him.” We live in a world full of uncertainty. Cost of living crises, relationship breakdowns, serious illness yet none of these things can cut us loose from our hope.

ULTIMATE RE-ASSURANCE.

It is the promise of the gospel that delivers this solid substantial hope. One of the NT letters opens with these words. ‘In his great mercy [God] has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you.’ (1Peter 1:3,4) Inheritance first referred to the Promised Land that God planned to give to his rescued people. Tragically they met his promise with unbelief convinced the natural obstacles of rivers and well-fortified cities turned the promise into a lie. Yet ultimately God delivered on this promised inheritance. Our weak faith maybe intimidated by the reality of death that stands between us and an inheritance in heaven. The bible directs our attention to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus as evidence of the defeat of our last enemy and the safe arrival of all who belong to him.

DON’T BE AFRAID.

We ought not to be intimidated by those loud, self-confident voices. No matter how successful they are in shaping our culture and shaming the Church because they fail to provide an answer to our mortality they fall under the judgment of Ecclesiastes. I have seen all things done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. (Ecclesiastes 1:14)

Page updated

Report abuse