Delay….

The first thing I learned yesterday when I went for my third round of chemo was that my blood count was low and I would need to come back on Saturday for a transfusion. As we neared lunch time the man who was sat next to me discovered that his infusion hadn’t been running for the last couple of hours and they would need to start all over again. He was in for a long day. And all of this accompanies the normal delay in your drugs arriving on the ward or the doctor signing the script or no one noticing you are waiting for your next round of treatment. We don’t like delay, set back, intrusion because these things get in the way of our plans. They push back the moment when the clock can be restarted on what you might call normal life.

INTERNAL NOISE

All this is to say there can be a lot of anxious noise going on in my head. Delay promotes frustration and irritation. Set back and obstacles stir up worry and fear. We are keen to get on with our lives. But what if the treatment is not working? What should I read into the serious demeanour of the doctor or the latest blood results?

A TRAVELLERS TESTIMONY

Psalm 131 is the prayer of a traveller. He is on the move hoping to make it to Jerusalem in time for one of the annual festivals. But there are mountains to climb and weather to cope with that add uncertainty. At another level, as a psalm of David, it reminds us of his slow and difficult journey to the throne in Jerusalem. This is how the psalm goes:

A song of ascents. Of David.

1 My heart is not proud, Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have calmed and quietened myself,

I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content.

3 Israel, put your hope in the Lord

both now and for evermore.

A NEW CENTRE

A weaned child is one that isn’t yelling the place down because its hungry and its needs are not being met. It’s a child whose universe no longer centres on its needs but has been displaced by the care of its mother. That’s quite a shift. The events of David’s life reveal moments when he looked to himself and made bad choices. But the Psalms reveal his heart and his trust in Gods care. More than that they point to his great successor, the true Son of David where these things were perfectly played out.

WAITING FOR OR WAITING ON?

The Bible makes clear, that in the life of David, the delays are part of Gods wise ordering. They invited him to slow down and to consider what it is he was pursuing. Was he waiting for a throne and crown and the freedom that went with it or was there something more precious on offer. And the same should be true for us. Whether its Covid lockdowns or cancer, for the Christian these things can never be regarded as ‘alien intruders’. They invite us to switch from making life about my needs and my plans to coming under the care and ordering of a wise Father. And in a broken world where sin and death stalk our lives the only thing that can offer us a calm and quiet soul is the conviction that we are the much loved children of the Living God. We are not waiting for our lives to restart, we are waiting on God Himself becoming the centre of our plans and ambitions. This is the direction in which Jesus unfailingly leads us as we encounter significant illness or difficult setbacks

So here is the question I am being forced to consider. Am I waiting for my life to resume; relaxing holidays, happy families, rewarding work, successful gardening or am I being weaned off these things as of first importance? Am I waiting on God and learning to trust in his parental care, his unerring wisdom and his good purposes?

Lifelong Learning?

At our Bible study group on Tuesday, we were looking at one of Paul’s prayers where he refers to God as the ‘glorious Father’ and encourages us to ask that we might get to know him better. It becomes clear from the Bible and from our own experience that this Father does not indulge his children. Paul described himself as a ‘prisoner of Christ Jesus’. God’s plan for Joseph involved betrayal, slavery and imprisonment. Few of us will not have known disappointment, anxiety or pain. As a Christian it’s important for me to acknowledge that these are not random events outside of God’s control but rather the wise parenting of this Glorious Father. Another part of the Bible puts it like this: Have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son?......the Lord disciplines the one he loves…..God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father. (Hebrews 12:5-7). I’m presently in this ‘school of suffering’ where there are lessons to learn. Here’s what I’ve been forced to consider recently.

DISAPPEARING PLEASURES

Illness and disease have the capacity to cause things we previously took for granted to slowly disappeared. Energy levels drop alarmingly so that instead of striding up the hills, getting from the sofa to bed is a challenge. My appetite vanished and food held no pleasure. Sleep was fitful with nights marked by tossing and turning. To lose these things is to discover they are not inevitable still less entitlements but rather the gifts of a generous God.

THANKSGIVING

As I have started to recover even temporarily, so these things come with a new appreciation. We live on the edge of The Braids. To be able to walk the short distance through the field with the Highland Cattle or wander back through the little wood is a great joy. To say ‘grace’, asking that God would bless this meal is not a mindless mantra. And while sleeping may remain difficult the early mornings are bright and the temperature has risen. Earlier in my treatment I had attended my youngest grandson’s birthday. Tables were laden with salads, burgers and hot dogs but I was present purely as a spectator – longing to tuck in but unable to do so. Tuesday of this week was Jude’s birthday. We joined a couple of other people to mark the occasion. (Official celebrations this Saturday) We shared a meal of fish fingers, chips and veg. (I probably should add the fish fingers were M&S giant variety!) It was though a great occasion to be part of. Suffering becomes a kind of eye ointment that reveals all these things as the gifts of a generous God. It’s a strange thing but suffering teaches you to be thankful. This may seem a small detail but it is in fact a vital lesson.

THE PLACE OF SAFETY.

Tim Rawlinson (our assistant pastor) called round a week or so ago and shared Psalm 112. The psalm unpacks the way God blesses a person: strong family relationships, wealth, a well order life. So far so ordinary. But it also has this line in it: They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast trusting in the Lord. ‘Bad news’ is a factor in having a serious illness. What is the scan going to reveal? What’s going to be involved in the treatment? What’s the prognosis? Bad news is the announcement that I am not in control. Bad news means a loving family and all the money in the world are no security. But what will hold us firm is knowing we are the much loved children of a glorious Father. So here are the words of the prayer: I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit[a] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. (Ephesians 1:17) Worth praying for yourself.

Strength and Weakness

Chemo comes with a variety of side effects not least fatigue. Faced with the simplest of tasks, getting out of bed, going for a shower, or climbing the stairs – the ‘tank’ seems empty. What makes all this worse is the value placed on physical strength that we see all around us. The cyclists and the joggers are a common sight. There are even those who run up hills for fun. If I am honest this is the group I’d like to think I was part of. Friday mornings would invariably find Alastair, Margaret’s brother and I, walking the Pentlands. Allermuir and Caerketin, roughly 1600ft of climbing, about 5 miles in total would take us a couple of hours. It was a good to feel you had kept yourself in shape, that your fitness levels were above average. But is that right? Is strength a product of the gym? Is it something we cultivate within ourselves?

AN HONEST CONFESSION

In one of David’s Psalms he describes himself in these words: “How long will you assault me, …. this leaning wall, this tottering fence.” (Psalm 62:3) To have cancer and undergo chemotherapy is to feel like a ‘tottering fence’. The treatment designed to address the disease also takes out healthy life giving cells. When you reduce things to these minute elements you realise that all energy, all strength, all stamina comes from God the life giver. To be on treatment for cancer is to experience to some extent what it would be like if God withdrew his help and grace towards us.

A STRANGE FEATURE

But the psalm has another focus. David not only feels his own weakness he describes God as his ‘fortress’. “Truly he is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress I shall never be shaken” (2) Here is the strange paradox of the Bible, weak people find strength not from within themselves but through their faith in God. This is what I have found. In circumstances that might tempt you to question God’s love you are enabled to go on trusting that God is for you and out for your good. In confronting challenges you would naturally shy away from you are equipped to persevere through them. Here are a couple of practical examples of this.

GOD’S PRESENCE?

Margaret and I had been reading Psalm 118 together and before I went into hospital she had written down a few of the verses and given them to me. Among them was v7 The Lord is with me, he is my helper… I found myself asking the question how are we meant to experience Gods presence? Is it some kind of bodily sensation or a heightened spiritual perception? As I was thinking about this the doctor arrived. She noticed a book I had been reading and recognised the author. It opened up a little non-medical conversation and it transpired she belonged to another evangelical church in Edinburgh. Here was God, through the timing and involvement of another Christian strengthening my conviction that he really was with me.

GOD’S GRACE.

In the last few weeks I have read Christopher Ash’s helpful title: Zeal without Burnout. Chapter 11 is entitled ‘Gifts or Grace?’ and it asks the question whether we root our security in our service for God or his gracious action towards us in Christ. If I’m honest activity has always been important to me. A good day is one where I’ve been busy and people had appreciated my contribution. Ash quotes Jesus words spoken to the returning disciples: Do not rejoice that the spirits are subject to you but rejoice that your names are written in heaven. (Luke 10:20) We all have our version of the disciples’ exorcisms. The trouble is when you find yourself in my shoes your activity levels vanish to virtually nothing. If that’s what you are relying on its not looking good. Jesus though, points us away from what we do for him to his steadfast love that secures our future. Supposing I never preach another sermon, lead another Bible study or share in another 1-2-1 it will not alter in the slightest God’s gracious attitude towards me. Such an understanding turns tottering fences into fortress like individuals.

Chemo Week

This week has seen my second cycle of Chemo get underway. Wednesday morning found me on my reclining seat (a bit like a dentist’s chair) awaiting treatment to start. A canula needs to be inserted and pre-meds taken. I my case this means a cocktail of 23 pills, twenty of which are steroids, the sort of quantity that will get you a sporting life ban. When it comes to cannulas ‘its two strikes and you are out’ The nurse then has to ask a colleague to have a go. I was on my third nurse before I had a working canula. My youngest granddaughter Pheobe likes a plaster – she would have been so impressed by my five!

THE DAY WARD

The day ward is a lot like the lounge in a care home. Its mostly old people, carers come round providing tea and coffee and the biggest challenge is navigating the obstacles with your drip stand as you make your way to the toilet. Although the surroundings are bright and the staff caring what brings us together is the precarious state of our health and our need of medical intervention. My guess is there is quite a lot of praying of one sort or another going on. People know there are no guarantees. I suspect though that much of this praying seeks to access God on the basis of our worthiness.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

For the Christian, there is no doubt that times of suffering are times of renewed trust in God. We likely pray more and value those who pray for us, we read the Bible with a greater care, we pay more attention to what we say and do. These are good things but they have a down side. Here is how I’ve been tempted to think. Walking with God through pain and suffering requires me to do these godly things and it’s because I have adopted these godly habits that I am experiencing Gods help in the present. Its not a million miles away from what I’ve described in the previous paragraph. Martin Luther said the default setting of the human heart is works. He was right. I can recognise the tendency – God likes me because I do things for him. My pride wants to make God’s blessing a reward for services rendered.. The trouble is my weak and flawed life can’t bear the strain.

A BETTER WAY.

I heard two great sermons last Sunday that brought helpful reminders. The first was from Exodus 33 (the second was Andy’s from Ephesians). Moses requests to see God’s glory and God announced he would cause his goodness to pass before him. It seems strange to our ears that Moses is looking to see God’s glory and God talks about his goodness. But that is just the point. God’s glory is his goodness. He will go on in the next chapter to unpack that word goodness. It contains compassion and mercy and steadfast love and faithfulness. Its slow to anger and quick to forgive. (see Exodus 34:6) The significance of this is seen in its context. It comes hard on the heals of the debacle of the Golden Calf. Six weeks after they hear God announce his commandments they are busy manufacturing their own god. What rebellious behaviour. And yet what the glory of God reveals is he is precisely what rebellious people need. And so for this sinner tempted to make Gods help dependant on his behaviour what a relief to see there is no such link. God is exactly what broken, unfaithful, prone to wander people need. And God will go on being gloriously good to me in both failure and obedience.

Sharp Scratch

RE-ADMITTED

Welcome to ‘Sharp Scratch’, Kenny’s reflections on illness and treatment. Every time they take blood or insert a canula you will hear this phrase, sometimes preceded by the words ‘ just a …’ Its intended to put you at your ease. And sometimes that’s how it turns out but sometimes ‘not so much’. This is my second encounter with lymphoma, the first was in 2018. Same illness but very different experience. Lymphoma one caused me no pain, no infection, and over six months of treatment I never even had to take my trousers off. You could sum it up as ‘just a sharp scratch’. Lymphoma two reversed all that – pain, sickness, and even a great relief at becoming an in-patient. I’m writing this in the hope that it will encourage you to see what God can be to you whatever the circumstances you find yourself in. I also hope I can make you smile along the way.

OUT PATIENT

I’m just back from going to the hospital for a blood test. Although this procedure only takes a few minutes I left at 10am and got back just after 2pm with most of the time spent travelling across the city or waiting for results. It proved a bit of a struggle to persuade my puny arms and tiny veins to co-operate.

I have the Armstrong clan crest on my wall. It pictures a bared arm with a bulging bicep and clenched fist. Its surrounded by the words ‘Invictus Maneo’ (I remain unconquered). Presently my arms have more in common with the stick men you see in LS Lowry’s pictures and would be viewed as an embarrassment by those big rugged clansmen.

The day ward accommodates around 30 people and most of the seats will be taken. Although most of us are in the same boat there is very little conversation or sense of community. You sense people just want to get through their treatment relying on their own resources or that of their families. What a massive privilege it is to belong to a church family where prayer is offered and God’s help experienced. Thanks to everyone who is praying for us. Next round of chemo: Wednesday 4^th May.

IN PATIENT

A couple of weeks ago I was an in-patient and had my first experience of a blood transfusion. My immediate thoughts as I receive 2 pints of blood, was not so much on the kindness of the donor but rather that I was in credit. I think I clocked up 24 donations over several years. Interesting how quick I am to meet kindness with self-righteousness. But this was Good Friday and there I was confronted with an entirely different reality. Jesus walks voluntarily into the horror of the cross, choosing to willingly suffer and give life to a proud self-righteous person like me.

The lesson for me was one of context. Where am I to locate my suffering? My consultant described me as unlucky. Normally if you get through two years symptom free you are in the clear. Not in my case. Others may call it unfair. But turn your attention to Jesus and his willing sacrifice on my behalf and it brings an entirely different way of thinking about yourself. Here is the measure of God’s commitment to us. Here is the reassurance that he has good purposes for our lives.

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